Monday, May 13, 2013

Autopilot "OFF"

I didn't get it at first.
I guess I've never gotten it, really. <squirrel> Is "gotten" really an acceptable word?</squirrel>
There is something to be said for having your own stuff around you. Even if it's not much stuff. Even if it's not new or shiny or badass stuff, as long as it's your stuff. And you can see it, touch it, just know it's there. That's important.
Important for what?
Important to feel settled. Grounded. Relaxed. In control. Or at least have half a chance to not lose control. Know what I mean? It's like a comfort thing. Or perhaps it has more to do with already feeling settled, grounded, and relaxed. Maybe that's more the issue: the having then the not having, as opposed to not having had to begin with. Are you feeling this?
Langley and I left our house so a 3 week construction/remodel by professional contractors could replace our only bathroom and finish our small basement. That was 8 weeks ago. They tell me it might be another 2 weeks yet. At first it was "just another thing". We adapted with the kindness and love from good friends who put us up and just did it. But then the timeline kept getting pushed to the right. More delays. My autopilot started to malfunction. Work started getting harder. I was tired. A lot. Then the allergies smacked me around, and I came down with a cold. I started forgetting things, like races I had signed up for. Work was getting harder still. Langley started to act out. And man I was tired.
Still wasn't getting it.
Then Langley and I went back to my hometown, stayed with Mom and Cass, attended the wedding of good friends, saw other old and very dear friends, and I slept. I slept all night even. So did Langley.
It was comfortable being with these people. Familiar enough to fall into a sense of relaxation without trying. It was only on the drive home when I had 9 hours to be in my head that it all started coming together. I started to get it. Being displaced from my home was getting to me. It was like the final straw, and it was real.
And now the irony: Since the light bulb went off,  I feel like I've taken another breath and will be good for the next few weeks until I can get back into the house - and for the next few months until Melissa comes home. I'm looking forward to being boring, doing nothing and anything, and just being normal again in August.

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